Eugene works as a games journalist, and what he deals with on the job might just be a (satirical) glimpse inside the average games newsroom. Then again, journalists aren’t allowed to leak internal stuff, so the following text might be pure fantasy. Either way, life as a games journalist isn’t easy—not even for Eugene. You’ll see soon enough.

The Morning Editorial Meeting

It’s a beautiful Monday morning in spring. "Morning" by games editor standards, that is—the clock has already struck 11. As usual, Eugene drags himself from the bathroom sink to his work PC after brushing his teeth, ready to join his online magazine’s "morning" editorial meeting.

Yes, from home. Since Covid-19, every games journalist has worked from home; at least in Eugene’s newsroom. His coffee still isn’t ready at this point, but his dignity checked out ages ago. Wait, was that a long, soul-drained yawn coming from Eugene’s desktop speakers? Yes. That’s the starting gun.

The Transcript

Editor-in-chief Milton: "Morning."
Some people: "Morning."
The others: "..."
Milton: "You know what I like about my mouse? It clicks. Please make your articles do the same."
Colleague: "Ugh, Monday morning, seriously."

Milton: "Eugene, your four-page guide to the Arc Raiders keybindings did well."
Eugene: "The keybindings I copied from the settings menu?"
Milton: "Yup. But remember, we need to keep people on the site longer. Site time. Make it five pages next time."
Eugene: "Okay ... But what if there are only six or seven keys assigned?"
Milton: "Then make it six or seven pages. One for each key. Just add exactly where it is on the keyboard. And whether using it there sparks ergonomic joy or not."

Eugene: "Right. Oh, speaking of readers: What did they actually say about my artic..."
Milton: "No idea, don’t care. Fine—I think a few morons complained that you can just look up the bindings directly in Arc Raiders. Ignore them. We write for search engines, not readers."
Colleague: "But they’re not entirely wro..."
Milton: "There’s no such thing as valid criticism of us. And if someone gets too loud, just ban them and block their IP."
Everyone: "Hehehe."

Milton: "We need to get closer to search intent today. People are searching for TV topics a lot more right now. Any ideas?"
Eugene: "Hmm ... 'How to improve your TV picture'. Contents: brightness, contrast, saturation, and above all, turn the lights off."
Colleague: "But we cover PC games, don’t we?"
Milton: "As of today, we also cover console games, and for those you need a TV. Eugene, sounds good—get on it."

Colleague: "Maybe also 'How to turn your TV on and off with Alexa'?"
Milton: "Do you know anything about that?"
Colleague: "A bit. I tried it once, but then the pizza guy showed up."
Milton: "Then turn it into 'How to order pizza with Alexa'."
Colleague: "But ..."
Milton: "And if there’s time, follow it up with: 'The seven best pizzas for gamers'."

Eugene: "A genuinely brilliant crime adventure came out yesterday. It predicts the player’s next move based on mouse movements."
Milton: "Player count?"
Eugene: "Uh, it peaked at 4,541 players last night."
Milton: "Bin it. Write your lights-off article."
Eugene: "But the game is genuinely original."
Milton: "Original isn’t a keyword."

Eugene: "But boss, I could tie it to GTA 6. There’s crime in that too."
Milton: "Is it open-world? Can you drive cars?"
Eugene: "The hero drives a car in the intro cutscene, and you can freely switch between scenes."
Milton: "Okay, then sell it as a GTA 6 alternative."

Milton: "Other than that, check what’s doing well on foreign sites and rewrite it. And you freelancers, remember: it’s 8 dollars per news post. So write fast—and write a lot, if you want to make any money."
Eugene: "And what are you doing today?"
Milton: "Among other things, I need to update our quality guarantee on the site."
Eugene: "With actual quality work?"
Milton: "Nah, with AI. It knows what search engines want to read."
Colleague: "And what are we putting in the quality guarantee?"
Milton: "Nothing yet. But in a minute, a whole lot."

Eugene: "Okay, bye ... see you tomorrow."
A few others: "Yeah, byeee."
Milton: "Oh, and remember: principles, yes. Effort, no."
Eugene: "How do you always know exactly what Google wants?"
Milton: "The AI said so."