Ubisoft: New CEO From the Slums — All Games Now Free
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Ubisoft: New CEO From the Slums — All Games Now Free
Yves Guillemot, longtime chairman of Ubisoft, has announced his resignation in a press release. The new head of the company is Guillemot’s illegitimate son Bâtard, whose first official act was to move Ubisoft’s headquarters into a slum near Paris.
Former CEO Yves Guillemot officially handed over the “bridge of command” to his son Bâtard this Monday. According to the press release, the decision followed the realization that Ubisoft’s financial crisis could no longer be solved with conventional measures.
“I didn’t even know the boy until Saturday,” Guillemot Sr. told Mainstream Outside. “Bâtard is a convinced socialist, and since capitalist decisions brought us into this mess, I think he’s the right man to save Ubisoft.”
Bâtard Guillemot: “Yo, you old geezers!”
Also on Monday, a live online Q&A was held with the new CEO. He introduced himself with the following words:
“Yoooo, you old geezers, what’s up down there?? I’m the new boss of Ubi! Crazy shit, huh! The old man came to my slum two days ago and was like: ‘Wanna be CEO of Ubi?’ And I was like: ‘Yooo.’ And that was it. Then I was boss.”
Participants immediately asked whether it was true that Ubisoft’s HQ had been moved to the mentioned slum on the outskirts of Saint-Mandé. Bâtard Guillemot confirmed:
“Sure, man… I ain’t got no mood to go to that fat-cat temple downtown every damn day. So I just took the shack next door. Was empty anyway. Put some heavy cardboard in for chairs, beer crates for tables. Ubi had some investors, right? I expropriated ’em all last Sunday. Shoulda seen their faces, hahaha! One dude even burned his whole NFT collection outta shock.”
Ubisoft’s new HQ (center) in the wastelands near Saint-Mandé, Paris.
“Ten Cent? I don’t sell Ubi for ten cents”
Later in the Q&A, naturally, someone asked about his plans with Tencent. The Chinese tech giant currently owns about ten percent of Ubisoft’s shares — for a time, even a full takeover seemed possible. The freshly appointed CEO responded: “Ten Cent? I don’t sell Ubi for ten cents.”
All Ubisoft games to be free to play
Bâtard Guillemot also shared his vision for the future of Ubisoft franchises like Far Cry, Assassin’s Creed and Rainbow Six. As a left-leaning CEO, he plans drastic changes:
“Capitalism sucks, bro. I make all our games free to play! But not that costume booster bullshit, nah. I mean free-free! And if you ask how we make da cash, you eggs: First thing, money ain’t the most important. Second, the people will love Ubi! Then I open a Patreon and trust me: That thing run smooth like a beer.”
He also commented on Ubisoft’s previous multiplayer focus: “Nah, we don’t do multiplayer no more. Why you need it when everybody get every skin, every gun and all the perks for free? Then nobody can flex anymore.”
Collective Dreams in Space
Ubisoft’s next major project, according to Guillemot, will be a space trading game — only without capitalism. The working title is Collective Dreams in Space, and it follows a socialist design.
Expect cooperative space stations with rationing systems (instead of open markets), Trabant-like spaceships equipped with ration-ticket gatlings, and more. Release date: as soon as the collective assembly agrees.
Collective Dreams in Space (concept art)
This article is satire. None of the statements, quotes, or events described actually happened. It’s all for laughs.
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