Valve CEO Gabe Newell is fed up with lawsuits and monopoly accusations aimed at Steam. So fed up, in fact, that he now wants to destroy his own storefront with his own two hands. The problem: Customers still inconveniently like Steam.

"I’ve tried everything," Newell told Mainstream Outside over the phone. 'GabeN' spoke to us from the Arctic Club Hotel in Seattle—the place where, in 2023, the games billionaire denied that Steam held a monopoly. Back then, Newell explained, inside the former Gold Rush club with walrus heads on its facade, that customers had a huge amount of choice.

Now, though, the 63-year-old is tired: "You know, I’ve got a nice fat 11 billion dollars sitting in my account. I haven’t needed Steam for a long time." So far, however, Gabe Newell’s attempts to destroy Valve’s platform have failed—thanks to millions of satisfied customers.

Gabe Newell: "They Carried Me Out on a Sedan Chair"

The developer of cult shooter Half-Life told us he first tried taking Steam offline. Since customers only buy licenses to use games there, this would have been perfectly legal. "But take a wild guess," Newell said. "The second the thing went offline, it popped right back up all over the internet." Users who had the source code immediately brought the platform back online, including at tee-hee.steampowered.com and now-now-gaben.com.

After that, GabeN says he tried to place and activate a replica Mark IV Thermonuclear Device at Valve HQ. Before the infernal warhead could even touch the floor, however, Newell claims he was lifted into the air:

"Suddenly, four masked figures floated in wearing 'New York, London, Paris, Gaben' shirts and grabbed me. They hoisted me onto a sedan chair and carried me outside while singing badly out of tune. I think they were singing: 'Oh, Gaben, Gaben, won't you set us free? We’re down on our knees, we're begging for the three!' Then they took me to the presidential suite at the Arctic Club Hotel and posted guards outside."

Meanwhile, news of Gabe Newell’s capture by militant Steam users is spreading online like a commercial for the Gabe Cube. On X, hundreds of thousands of Steam customers have welcomed the founder’s detention—at least now, they say, he "can’t do anything stupid." But not everyone has given up on the "King of Sales." One optimistic German in particular, sporting a side part and a little moustache, is spreading hope:

"The Führer lost his composure. He’ll pull himself together." – A. Dolf on X

Epic Games Launches #FreeGabeN Campaign

Epic Games, meanwhile, was not amused by the latest developments on X. CEO Tim Sweeney, who recently infected the entire games industry with boundless optimism, condemned the capture in a post. Epic supports the Steam founder’s intentions, he said, and demands his immediate release.

Following the example of its 2020 "#FreeFortnite" campaign against Apple and Google, Epic is now planning a "#FreeGabeN" operation. According to Sweeney, Epic Games is also considering arming Fortnite’s motion-capture actors with Chaos Reloader Shotguns and sending them to the Arctic Club Hotel in Backlash costumes. The rescue squad, however, would be instructed to resolve the situation peacefully. Attempts at bribery with V-Bucks vouchers, for instance, are apparently on the table.

Microsoft Gaming CEO Asha Sharma has also weighed in on Elon Musk’s short-message service. She described Gabe Newell’s abduction as an event of biblical proportions: "For ages, God—Microsoft—has been locked in battle with the devil—Valve. But now this elemental struggle finally appears to be drawing to a close. And just as the Bible foretold, it is God who will ultimately let good triumph. The Microsoft Store will save you all."

Industry observers pointed out, however, that the Microsoft Store has recently struggled to save even itself. A company spokesperson firmly denied this and explained that work is already underway on an update that will finally allow the Microsoft Store to open reliably in the future.

The Steam Founder Is Doing Fine

A spokesperson for the Arctic Club Hotel, meanwhile, confirmed that Newell is doing fine. He receives fresh towels every day, room service three times a day, and once an hour, a weeping PC player visits to thank him for cloud saves. GabeN is said to have told every visitor: "Please ... just buy something somewhere else for once."

Just before publication, a spokesperson for the kidnappers said they would release him immediately "as soon as there’s a real alternative to Steam." The Steam Summer Sale begins on June 25.